Carve

There’s a chest of drawers that sits by my bed. An old, rackety thing that has that op shop smell to it that I bought out of desperation, with the added incentive of its three dollar price tag. Normally I don’t give that much thought to the origins of second hand belongs, as the most likely scenario is that someone died either in or on your new purchase, but this particular piece of furniture intrigues me. For it is tagged, not with a number or a name, but a declaration of love.

On the second draw from the top, the one that never closes all the way, it has been carved “Jess loves Dan forever”. Well, to be more precise, it says Jess ‘hearts’ Dan, even though the phrase itself is written within a heart. To me, that’s overkill. And forever is spelt with the number 4. As cutesy and annoying as the token is, how it came to pass always makes me wonder. In particular, what led to the events of the monument being discarded, and now serving as a rest home for my extended warranty papers and that weird japanese nightlight fashioned as a toadstool.

Did Jess and Dan part ways, with one of them entitling themselves to the chest of drawers in the divorce proceedings, along with Tuesday night pub trivia team and all mutually purchased DVDs within the last six months of the relationship, but then after having the piece in their new dingy apartment serve as a constant reminder of what they had lost, gave it to the Salvos? Or did Jess and Dan get married and live happily ever after with all their fancy new stuff they never knew they needed until they registered for it at David Jones and their wedding guests felt inclined to buy it for them. More likely, due to the juvenile nature of the gesture, the drawers claimed residence in the room of a young girl who grew up and out of such childish things, but that scenario doesn’t ignite my imagination.

More than one person thought this was a good idea, Part II: Southland Tales

Southland Tales is the cinematic equivalent of flinging shit up against the wall and seeing what sticks. 

My friend Courtney has decided that the only possible reason films like this could be made is through a concept called “Movie Chicken”, in that you just keep pushing the envelope of what anyone could consider to be a quality production, cutting of people’s thumbs, politising porn, and creating duplicate copies of Sean William Scott until someone dares question your genius. Obviously, writer/director Richard Kelly won this round. 

Richard Kelly is arguably best known for Donnie Darko, which is by all measures, a great film. Watch it if you haven’t. Southland Tales is one of his follow ups. If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother subjecting yourself to it. You will never get that two hours back. 

People try to justify this film by calling it “abstract” or explaining you need to “expand your mind” to understand it. To me, that translates as it’s a film that’s only enjoyable if you’re on drugs. Which is never a good sign, because some may argue that being high makes EVERYTHING better, including movies. Somewhere along the line, it was decided that the reason this film wasn’t well received is, unlike your average popcorn flick, it forces you to think. I would say people didn’t like Southland Tales because if forces you to try and make sense out of nothing in order to justify the fact that you actually sat through the whole thing and are now dumber for having done so. 

Apparently, the film is the end half or so of this massive story written by Kelly, the first sections being published as graphic novels. People will also tell you that if you’ve read said novels, you can appreciate the movie more. One, if the story is this incoherent and erratic in film, I can’t even being to imagine how it would be presented as text, and two, a good story is a good story, no matter where you jump in. Kelly surely understands this as, and I quote from his IMDB trivia page, “two of his favorite films are Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Mad Max 2 (1981)”. Check and mate. 

You could say the ethos of the film is best summed up in the fact that it stars Dwayne Johnson, and it was the first time he dropped his “The Rock” title is his billing. This was meant to be the film where everyone involved proved themselves a serious artist capable of meaningful and potent social commentary. Instead, this happened: 

This film is so non-sensical that I can’t even really review or write a synopsis for it. Pretty much, a whole bunch of shit happens. You don’t enjoy it, you don’t absorb it, you don’t learn from it, it doesn’t even look all that great. It just… happens. Some even dare suggest that this for the reason, this film could be classified as “art” over anything else, as though that justifies its awfulness through the “anything that’s kind of weird is art and therefore you have to like it or you’re uncultured” rule. You can thank Lady Gaga for that one. I don’t think this film is art, but even if it is was, that doesn’t mean you have to like or appreciate it for that reason. That’s like being dragged into a gallery and being told “you have to love everything in this building because someone decided it’s art”, completely disregarding personal perception, opinion and taste. 

However, I will say this about Southland Tales. In one scene, Jon Lovitz grabs Cheri Oteri by the throat (quite an ensemble cast I know), and growls in her ear menacingly “do you wanna fuck or do you wanna watch a movie?”. There is no way I can write that statement to imply how incredibly creepy it was when spoken. That snippet was, in my opinion, quite possilby the scariest scene in any movie ever made. And i’m not saying that in a 14 year old girl “OMG the new Justin Beiber CD is the greatest thing ever!” kind of way, it was genuinely freaking scary. I’d say watch the movie just for that scene, but don’t, seriously. Just imagine Jon Lovitz’s voice, that creepy PE teacher from high school who got a little bit too touchy feely, and look at this picture.

Scariest. Thing. Ever.

 

Also, Bai Ling is in this movie. 

Essentially I believe there are two kinds of films. Those you enjoy, and those you experience. Southland Tales is neither. If anything, it is the self-righteous pill forced in your mouth without the aid of enjoyment or aesthetic to massage your throat to ease it down. And at 145 minutes, it’s a freakin’ horse pill.

Script Frenzy

Your ticket to the Frenzy

Seeing as April 1st didn’t bring an admission of false premise from the production crew behind “Grown Ups” or the Apocalypse that was sure to ensue as a result of this non event, that means it’s the first day of the Script Frenzy competition.

Script Frenzy, the sister event of NaNoWriMo, involves using the month of April to write a 100 page screenplay. The idea is to aim for quantity, not quality, and spend the rest of the year editing.

Click the ticket if you are interested in partaking. You’ve got just as much chance of finishing as you do of failing. And either way, whatever you come up with will surely be better than “Grown Ups”.

APRIL FOOLS!

I have nothing to say about this movie. I just had to post a link to it to prove its existence. After having seeing the horrifying preview, my friend Courtney has convinced herself that this movie and everything to do with it is a huge joke, because the concept is so bad, if it were to be realised, it would bring about the end of existence.

She gave them til April Fools Day to do the big reveal. Well guess what… it’s April 1st. It still exists. The world still turns.The preview is still on YouTube. You can still join the Facebook fan page. The release date is still listed on various cinema websites. People still think Adam Sandler is funny for some reason.

Maybe next year.